The war against Clichy

The pundits are too busy milking themselves dry over Fabregas and Hleb to realise the actual reason Arsenal have improved this season is due to their unheralded left-back, who leads all defenders in the EPL in both passes intercepted (58 - 10 more than the next best) and tackles won (71 - an astonishing 20 more than anyone else in the league)

Mostly though, I've had the titular pun in my head for weeks and I've been looking for an excuse to use it.

Come on

There are dire warnings in the press that Fabio Capello won't have faced anything quite as intense and critical as the British media, that he'll get a shock at how harsh and ruthless our sports journalists can be.

What a lot of self-aggrandising bollocks this is.

Fabio Capello has won titles and been sacked in Spain at a club that has a newspaper dedicated exclusively to it. And in Italy he conquered first Serie A and then Europe under the sly, interfering, nastly little eye of the filthy great crook who runs the biggest commercial media organisation in the country, and in latters years, the country itself, thereby taking control of state media too.

Fabio Capello doesn't need lectures on handling the media from the likes of Brian "Woolly" Woolnough.

A Narrow Escape

I gave up on the English national team a few years ago: I stopped watching their games and hey, the world kept turning. The only development which would tempt me back would be a wisdom-of-crowds-style internet-chosen team coached by Derren Brown.

And then this Mourinho thing... I was unsettled. I was asking myself difficult questions.

Luckily his withdrawal, and the resulting certainty that the England will not win the World Cup in my lifetime, has made things easier - I am again indifferent.

Until... Until...

Fighting Talk: just not good enough

It's a nice idea, Fighting Talk, a forum for contrarians and controversialists to cut through the cant surrounding sport, and football in particular, but it's almost always disappointing. They do just enough to keep me coming back, hoping that it's going to catch fire, but it's so cosy, so safe, so reliant on the same reference points (Wayne Rooney fancies old ladies, Drogba dives) in lieu of perspicacity and invention.

To really work it needs a less conventional and egomaniacal host, and a smaller pool of guests to pick from: Brady can stay, so can Mills, Bunce, Anderson, Watt and Watson. Park, Buckley and Kelner should never be heard from again.

The Magic of the FA Cup

Was it just me, or did Ray Stubbs look like he wanted to physically injure Carlton Palmer during yesterday's woeful pitchside punditry at halftime of Harrogate Railway v Mansfield? I mean, the boy's shit, but you're supposed to be on the same team there.

Omission Bias and Penalty Kicks

Interesting report at the British Pschological Society's blog suggesting keepers should just stand in the middle of the goal, rather than diving. Research suggests that omission bias comes in to play, that is, goalies feel more regret on letting in a penalty if they don't dive than when they do.

A few points:

- It would be sad if this new tactic was adopted, leading to the demise of the second* greatest penalty, the chip down the middle. (watch the Portugese penalty on 32 sec - I don't mind England being beaten by that display of balls)

- This obviously assumes that a professional goalkeeper is capable of saving a ball hit straight at him.



* This is the best form of pen, obviously. Helps if you tell your team what you're doing though.

Choose an English coach - Platini

Of course he would say that! He wants England to be as shit as possible, the dirty frog.



Platini - wants what's worst for English football.

"My dear, my penis is a mountain"

Just checking nobody missed this.

Shearer coy about England vacancy

I should fucking hope so.

Prick.

Slaven Bilic is cool as fuck

Ahead of England's must-draw game, we can only look on at the chump we have at the helm who pales in comparison to the rugged bad-boy Croatia have leading them.

And now for something completely different...

Quota me Happy

Why is it that just as one sports organisation realises quota systems are a stupid waste of time, another much more powerful one wants to bring them in?

As far as I can see, the effects will be thus:

1) Prices for English players increase dramatically as demand increases. As with most football transfers, this will be most outrageous at the lower end of the talent pool. Few could bemoan a Hargreaves or an Owen commanding a high fee, but expect to see makeweights like Nicky Shorey and Stuart Downing going for silly money, purely because of their nationality.

2) The quality of the Premier League goes down. As talented foreign stars are replaced with less talented Englishmen, so the quality will decrease.

3) Because of this decrease in quality, the English players will be playing with, and against, weaker players and so their ability will not be as high as it is now. Therefore, the England team will be worse also.

The only plus for the England team I can see would be:

- due to the advantages of being England qualified, more African and Commonwealth players opt to play for England, thus increasing the talent pool available. The French have been doing this for years (Patrice Evra and Patrick Vieira were both born in Dakar, Senegal, for example). What Englishman wouldn't welcome football's answer to big KP?

Power to the (capitalist) people

"Democracy" and "fan power" have now landed in the UK, specifically in the Blue Square Premier (aka the Conference), where Ebbsfleet FC, not content with changing THE NAME OF THE CLUB to suit sponsors Eurostar, have now sold a 51% stake to venture capitalist firm myfootballclub.co.uk. Team tactics, starting XI will now be decided etc etc.

The "real-life Championship Manager" model is without doubt a rather cute idea. The terraces have always been a pretty vibrant marketplace of ideas - how wonderful to get all Freakonomics on that shit and have the fans actually call the shots.

Except... the new owners aren't fans. Or rather, they aren't fans of Ebbsfleet FC - they're just fans of a rather cute idea. For example Tom Dear, one of the folk who paid 35 quid for a stake in the club:

“To be honest, I didn’t even know Ebbsfleet existed. I don’t know if it will work, but it will be interesting".

Interesting indeed, great fodder for dinner parties and down the pub. "Yes I'm part of that online club thing. We get to pick the players, it's all very modern and interesting. Rather interestingly, all the players are completely unmotivated, none of the actual fans turn up anymore and the club is facing both relegation and bankruptcy. Still, I reckon I've got my 35 quid's worth."

Of course, the fabled wisdom of crowds could in fact propel Ebbsfleet into the League: time will tell. But Christ, I'm glad it's not my club.

Quote of the Weekend

"The people who run this game, sometimes I think they just don't understand joy, and sharing"

- Andy Gray after Fabregas was booked for running into the crowd to celebrate his equaliser at Anfield.

The Wisdom of Jews

Hats off to Israeli amateur side Hapoel Kiryat Shalom for putting the "Wisdom of Crowds" theory into practice by getting the fans to pick the team.

More in The Times

In the same way that I joined the Labour Party in 2005...

... I may well buy a Chelsea shirt with Drogba on the back in 2007.

Also, I suddenly desperately want a subscription to France Football. Or even better, a French girlfriend to translate France Football to me while lazily lying in bed wearing an France No12 shirt.


UPDATE!

I am definitely getting a Drogba shirt.

Non-story of the Week

... is of course "Mourinho for England", a drum that the Times in particular has been banging despite the virtual impossibility of such an occurrence. It started earlier this week with the headline "Mourinho could be next England manager" - naturally I clicked the link (thereby adding a unique visit to the TimesOnline's web statistics, on which they base their advertising rates), eager to see whether the Special One had indeed been spotted lunching near Soho Square with Twatty Barwick. In fact, the Times hack had managed to wring 300 words out of the fact that Mourinho's leaving settlement with Chelsea does not legally prevent him from managing the England side, even though it does prevent him from working in the Premiership. So in other words, Mourinho "could", in the strictest sense of the word, be the next England manager. Thanks boys.

Not content to let a juicy non-story lie, the Times are at it again today with a piece headlined "FA to make reluctant Mourinho prime target". Again, once the punter has clicked the link and boosted ad sales, there is another weak article that produces not one shred of evidence that anyone at the FA is seriously considering Jose for the job, let alone making him the prime target. Instead, it says that he would be "a hugely popular choice", speculates that if McClaren goes, there will be "a clamour for the Portuguese to take over", without identifying the source of this clamour, which is , of course, The Times itself.

You call this cold?

Sky are playing up the cold weather in Moscow, even making Hoddle and Redknapp wear stupid scarves in the booth. However, BBC weather paints a different picture. A minimum of 8 degrees Celsius! That is slightly parky.

NB When I was in Moscow it was -25C so nerr.

This isn't your kid's sports day, Wrighty

When will the BBC clamp down on all England half-time coverage starting off with some limp banter about Wrighty Jnr.?

...also known as Steaua, Roş-Albaştrii or Militarii

Are FC Steaua Bucureşti the first team to have their kit designed by children? The names are even written in comic sans.

I should be ashamed of myself

I couldn't really hear the radio, but I overheard the words "Steven Gerrard" and "broken leg".

When I saw this headline, though, I was so relieved.

So relieved that a small child has broken his leg. Terrible.

Premier League All Stars

I've watched two episodes of this and I am completely hooked. What's that, you don't have Sky? Basically each Prem team is represented in a 7-a-side tournament by a squad of ten players: four former greats (e.g. Ruud Gullit for Chelsea, Nayim for Spurs), three celebrity fans (e.g. Angus Deayton for Man U) and three everyday fans (one below 25, one 25-40, one 40+). 20mins each way, with lots of bizarre, Twenty20-esque innovations - the ball is dropped from a chute for kickoffs, goals count double in the last minute of each half, there is a sin bin, or in fact a "cooler" for anyone who receives a "blue card", which, excellently, looks like a cryogenic chamber, complete with dry ice - it's basically fucking brilliant.

What makes it is, of course, the everyday fans. I saw the build-up programme where they all had a trial to represent their clubs (Neil Warnock made the selections). It clearly meant so much to them. And judging on the two matches i watched last night, the fans seem to have the biggest impact on the game, as they are all decent Sunday league players, and are insanely excited to be wearing the club colours. The most important goal scored for Spurs last night came not from Nayim, but from a Billingsgate fish porter. Despite resembling the film Dodgeball, Premier League All Stars is more innocent and pure than the Premier League itself.

Anyway they're giving away free tickets and I'm going to get some. Seriously. 7pm, either Thursday or Saturday. It's in the Docklands, goes on for about three hours I think. Anyone up for it?

UPDATE

I have three tix for Thursday night - it's at the David Beckham Academy just near North Greenwich tube. FC, FS.

Samuel and Sea Lion

Oli quoted Martin Samuel last week, saying:

Abramovich’s demands are simple. He wants his players to win every trophy in sight, while balancing the ball on their noses like sea lions.

In that case, Big Rom should snap up young Kerlon:

Links and quiz

Hey! I've added some links at the side. Please comment if there are any other good football sites I should be linking to.

Also, here is a great football quiz that's been doing the rounds.

Jobs for the boys, not the goys

In my last post I offered 15 points for the first oblique reference to a Jewish conspiracy surrounding the appointment of Avram Grant as Chelsea chief. I win, having spotted this two-footed challenge from Martin Samuel:

To understand Abramovich, it is important to acknowledge that the strongest cultural influence on his life is not his nationality but his faith. In the early days of the Roman invasion, when the owner was a figure of some mystery, it was pointed out to those seeking a handle on the new man that his Jewish heritage was felt more strongly than his Russian roots. It is this that he shares with his inner circle.

Among his most senior advisers is Pini Zahavi, the Israeli-born agent... Abramovich, like Zahavi, is a frequent visitor to Israel, has been present at national team matches and sighted near the dressing-room after matches... There is no doubt that these ties are strong and, with Abramovich as owner, Grant as manager and Zahavi a trusted confidant of the pair, Chelsea are not so much Russian these days as kosher.

Gallimaufry

1) Doesn't this lady footballer's hypothetical email address remind you of this?

2) Bacary Sagna's hair is a fucking disgrace. It looks like a pigeon shat on him.

3) Fucking Pleat just said "Play the way you're facing" on his witless commentary of the Spurs game tonight. Not if you're facing your own goal on the six yard line, you cunt.

Things that make you go hmm...

1972-1986 Hapoel Petah Tikva (Youth)
1986-1991 Hapoel Petah Tikva
1991-1995 Maccabi Tel Aviv
1995-1996 Hapoel Haifa
1996-2000 Maccabi Tel Aviv
2000-2002 Maccabi Haifa
2002-2006 Israel
2007- Chelsea


5 points are awarded for the first spot of an "despite humble etc contrast to predecessor could be beneficial etc" column

15 points are awarded for first oblique suggestion of Jewish conspiracy

Fire Jose Mourinho

I write this still slightly in shock; I don't listen to R4 in the mornings so I only found out courtesy of the back of someone's newspaper in the bus this morning. I am upset because he is brilliant and I love him; the future now will likely be a galactico model necessary to hold on to fans in the US and the Far East who happily and cheerfully switch their team allegiance season-by-season. I find this uninspiring. I sit, of course, braced for the weekend shit-avalanche of barely thought-through cant from the pundits; over-rated Jose (to be over-rated is the biggest sin, in anything, period); boring Chelsea; boring, boring Chelsea. The best I've read so far is Martin Samuel in the Times, in particular:

Abramovich’s demands are simple. He wants his players to win every trophy in sight, while balancing the ball on their noses like sea lions.

I'll say it now, as a tiny, preemptive strike against the welter of abuse that will soon be directed to my team: stepovers do not good football make. Nor does passing football. I concede that the Invincibles were the best team of the modern era, but they were one of a kind - there is something uniquely depressing about watching the pass-pass-pass-pass-pass-pass-pass-pass-fluff of Arsenal on an off day (or season). Equally, there was something uniquely beautiful in Mourinho's Chelsea - players subjugated to the team ethic, always giving 100% effort: an almost Germanic efficiency. When it worked, it was thrilling - subtly so. A Scouse-supporting friend once posited that people's reaction to Peter Crouch's early troubles at Liverpool served as a litmus test to them knowing anything about football: the ones who slated him don't, basically. I feel the same about Mourinho-era (aargh the past tense!) Chelsea.

Mark E Smith's classified check

Did everyone else know about this already? It's incredible.

I don't like your Zhirkov name, I don't like your Zhirkov clothes...

Motty is definitely savouring "Zhirkov", and I will give Wrighty rare points for saying what we all thinking. For once, his moronic laddishness seem to add. Maybe in time we will all come round to it, and he will become a national treasure. Or maybe not.

Classic Motty:

"The Soviet - er, Russian supporters are still celebrating, they think it's a goal" Er... 20 years ago?

I am now siding heavily in the pro-Lawro camp, at least as a colour analyst if not a half-time pundit. He talks shit, but with charm - the random, free-spirited Hutch to Motty's Starsky.

Finally - the BBC's "ref's view" is a welcome innovation.

Sky and Hansen

Two points so far from this weekend's football:

1) Sky have ditched their crazy "let's put the score in the bottom left" experiment. I think I'd rather they'd doggedly stuck with it, to be honest. As Stef once said, "I love their constant, manic innovation"

2) Hansen was back on MotD, still sporting a weird beard, but not as obviously drunk as previously. I still think there's something we're not being told.

The Magic of the Carling Cup

Watched Rovers v West Ham last night, and realised that the best thing about watching the early rounds of cup competitions is the fact that sweary chants can be heard much more clearly at smaller grounds, e.g. Bristol fans at Ashton Gate giving it the "ooooooOOOOOOOOOHHHHH... YOU'RE SHIT aaaaaaaaaaaaah" every time the West Ham keeper took a goal kick.

In separate news, a mate of my brother's girlfriend was at a BBQ over the weekend and John Motson was there. Apparently he was very animated when talking about football, and utterly bored to tears by any other topic of conversation.

Get in!

We are now 6th on google for "Andy Townsend" searches. Well done everyone.

Best chant from first half of Man U - Spurs

... which the Sky Sports director allowed to stay audible for about ten seconds:

(to Tevez)

"You're just a shit Maradona, shit Maradona, shit Mar-a-donnnnna"

Also I kept thinking that Nani reminded me of someone, but I couldn't work it out. It was really bugging me. Then I got it:

It was "Old Gregg".

MOTD and Hansen Update

No Hansen tonight. That "candle wax" injury must be taking longer to heal than expected. Lawro is showing some form, however. He's made an excellent reference to Statler and Waldorf and is wearing the same shirt he wore on Football Focus this lunchtime; a shirt that looks fucking barbershop.

Postcard from France

... where I just saw Jarvis strolling down the beach at St Jean de Luz, avec bebe. J'reckon he's Blades or Wednesday? Probably on record somewhere... just touching on some of the points raised recently: free internet screening of games, what are you, a 15-year-old Cantonese schoolboy? Sky isn't that expensive, kids, and by dodging the Murdoch tax you're also missing out on such choice Sky statistical insights as metres travelled by referee (thanks), and of course, the goal replay where they trace the line of the shot, which is useful if, like me, you are frequently distracted mid-replay by, say, a sparrow alighting on your windowsill, and look back to discover the ball in the net and think "how the fuck did that happen?"... actually you're probably on to a winner there... agreed with stef re: necessity of commentary, enjoyed FRA v SLO with soothing French commentary, no doubt as boring and cliche-riddled as English comm. but could pretend it was thick with allusions to Descartes and Proust... surely L'Equipe is the greatest newspaper in the world? Why no English language equivalent?... fat frank for england

And Hansen is pissed

Unshaven, rambling and slurring his words.

Lawro is wrong

Bernd Schneider did that on purpose.

I'm a bit disappointed with Lawro's anti-German co-commentary.

Oddly, though, I found Motty's chuckle when the England fans were booing the German national anthem endearing.

"F***ing Jonathan Creek, who does he f***ing think he is?"

Excellent interview in the Times today with Big Frank Lampard, possibly the most unfairly maligned footballer in the Premier League.

His no-nonsense, criminally underrated game, reminds me of England's greatest midfielder of the 90s, David Platt.

The Dutch

Further to Marty's guide to watching football for free over the internet, I was watching the Mans City and Utd, and Liverpool vs. Chelsea this afternoon on a Sopcast broadcast of a Dutch sports channel (link from here).

With the exception of a brief period in which the commentary was in English and of a tennis match, the broadcast alternated between having no commentary and having commentary in Dutch. Inspite of the fact that I understood very little of what was being said (I wouldn't say I understood nothing - Dutch is, afterall, just German in a funny voice) the bits with commentary were a lot more enjoyable than those without. Turns out all you really need is the tone of voice acting as a musical score to the action, to get most of the benefits of commentary. I think this revelation - that what's being said is less important than that the tone of voice roughly mirrors the game - goes a long way to explaining the otherwise inexplicable successful careers of a fair few commentators, not to mention "colour men".

How to watch football over the internet for free

There are a few options for the skinflint office-chair football fan. Here's the two I favour:

1) Go to Channelsurfing.net, click the links and watch the games (sometimes with audio from a completely different channel for reasons I haven't worked out). Given that it shows all sports and Major League Baseball is notoriously litigious, I give this site 3 months maximum.

2) If you have a sense of adventure, you can always download Sopcast and watch ESPN Star Sports, which lends the games a false air of the exotic. You can also watch Soccer AM ripoff "Nokia Football Crazy" which is shit.

Any other methods welcome!

Thing I didn't know last week

Martin O'Neill is fascinated with serial killers. He queued to watch the trial of the Yorkshire Ripper, Peter Sutcliffe, and was a regular spectator at the Rose West 'House of Horror' trial.

Weirdo.

Sunderland manager and famed psychopath Roy Keane has put the boot into what he sees as a new generation of under-the-thumb footballers, after several players cut off negotiations with his club over the summer because their Wags vetoed a move to the glorious North East:

"If a player doesn't want to come to Sunderland then all well and good," said the former Manchester United captain and Ireland midfielder. "But if he decides he doesn't want to come because his wife wants to go shopping in London, then it's a sad state of affairs. It's not a football move, it's a lifestyle move. It tells me the player is weak and his wife runs his life."

It’s an entertaining rant that had me nodding along in agreement – until I reached the end and thought, how much would someone have to pay me to live in Sunderland, a city of 180,000 people and no cinema, and get shouted at by Roy Keane all day?

John Sadler in the Guardian today, with a mildly diverting article about the dumbing down of football punditry.

What is the way forward for improving TV football punditry? My suggestions:

1. Being a former player is not enough.

I think a vaguely successful managerial career should be a minimum requirement, if you are supposed to be explaining tactics and formations. I would also accept ten years of experience as a football journalist - the best football punditry around at the moment is Jimmy Hill's Football Supplement, shown on Sky, which is just four hacks sitting around reading the sports pages and debating football, with Jimmy interrupting randomly like a senile uncle.

2. Tell me something I don't know

There's no point in pundits telling me that the defending has been sluggish, or that the finishing has been poor. I know this, I'm watching the fucking game. Instead, show me something that I can't necessarily see for myself, because my understanding of football is limited. How the tactics have changed across the half/game; how the players are using space; what impact the formations are having on the flow of play - stuff that is obvious to the sophisticated observer, but not to the casual fan. Gordon Strachan used to do this to great effect on MOTD2, and Andy Grey is decent with his chalkboard - but this type of analysis shouldn't be parceled off into discrete packages ("Strachan's View"), it should be the meat and veg of all football punditry. Explain the game, don't just summarise the obvious.

Jumpers for goalposts

Paul Wilson has a post on the Guardian footie blog lamenting, with an apparently straight face, the decline of the 3pm kickoff, as if Sky Sports had only come into existence this season. I, for one, am all for loads of Sunday football, as it effectively makes MOTD2 the prime highlights show, and I like Chiles much more than Lineker, and am far more likely to be at home at 10pm on a Sunday than 10pm on a Saturday.

Yet more Lawro

Further to this post, I note Liverpool actually did win 2-1.

Unlucky Al.

Still doesn't change the fact he's an irritating scouse cheat...

Chris Dillow has an interesting post entitled Martin O'Neill and Objective Reality, which I won't summarise here. Just read it you lazy fuckers.

Two things Match of the Day didn't tell you about this game:

1) Benitez's new beard is excellent, lending his face that much needed "edge" that wins championships.

2) Martin O'Neill is turning into Craig Finn of The Hold Steady.

Why did David Pleat Leave Spurs?

In my previous post I mentioned Pleat's spell at Spurs in the mid-80s. But why was he forced to leave?

That's right! He was cautioned for kerb-crawling! Three times!

Wonder why Clive didn't bring this up more? And why was this no barrier to the ITV commentary booth, when saying a word off-air you can read on 4,120,000 webpages, not to mention hear in countless songs and films, is beyond the pale?

Let's go!

A promising venture, particularly as I'm Chelsea and therefore the target of 90% of the cant-stream. My first effort here will simply recycle a post published elsewhere, for a hopefully wider audience.

Things to look out for in 2007/8:

1. A commentator saying something along the lines of "Well he claims to sleep 14 hours a day... Essien was certainly caught napping there"

2. A back-page columnist making the point that, while injuries were a valid excuse for Chelsea to stumble last season, they're somehow not an excuse this season, even though they clearly are.

3. A completely bullshit story suggesting that Beckham is desperately trying to leave the LA Galaxy and is in talks with a Premiership club

4. A columnist arguing, as if it weren't completely obvious, that Eriksson is actually a really good manager after Man City win a few on the trot

5. Any commentator somehow alluding to Kieran Richardson's twat cousin BB Charley

Also hello; also Lawro

Hello. I will also be contributing to this blog. But I, on the other hand, like Lawro and think he's the best colour man in British sport.

See? There's already creative tension on here.

Hello; Lawro

Marty has invited me to contribute - thanks Marty - which is kind of him, as I watch almost no football nowadays. Not supporting any particular team, I look to analysts to notice the things I don't, to enlarge the experience with their perception. This almost never happens with football on British television.

Particularly offensive is Mark "Lawro" Lawrenson. What's that you say, Lawro? 2-1 to Liverpool? Of course you do.

Willkommen, bienvenue, welcome!

Hello and welcome to my new pet project that may die in a few weeks, or be the hottest internet shit, like, EVAR!!1

To kick things off, let's have a look at what Pleaty's predictions are for next season, courtesy of The Guardian's "The Season" preview.

He says:

1) Chelsea
2) Liverpool
3) Manchester United
4) Arsenal
=) Tottenham

Fuck the heck!? Man U offload gash like Richardson and Smith, and replace them with proven quality such as Hargreaves and Tevez, not to mention Nani and Anderson, and gnome-face thinks they'll drop two places?

He also thinks Arsenal and Spurs will finish exactly level, the cowardly bet hedger. You're paid to make predictions! Make them!

It's footballing idiocy such as this that meant, despite hanging up his manager's coat in 2004, he never won more games than he lost at every club he "managed" since Spurs in 86-87. The nob.