Premier League All Stars

I've watched two episodes of this and I am completely hooked. What's that, you don't have Sky? Basically each Prem team is represented in a 7-a-side tournament by a squad of ten players: four former greats (e.g. Ruud Gullit for Chelsea, Nayim for Spurs), three celebrity fans (e.g. Angus Deayton for Man U) and three everyday fans (one below 25, one 25-40, one 40+). 20mins each way, with lots of bizarre, Twenty20-esque innovations - the ball is dropped from a chute for kickoffs, goals count double in the last minute of each half, there is a sin bin, or in fact a "cooler" for anyone who receives a "blue card", which, excellently, looks like a cryogenic chamber, complete with dry ice - it's basically fucking brilliant.

What makes it is, of course, the everyday fans. I saw the build-up programme where they all had a trial to represent their clubs (Neil Warnock made the selections). It clearly meant so much to them. And judging on the two matches i watched last night, the fans seem to have the biggest impact on the game, as they are all decent Sunday league players, and are insanely excited to be wearing the club colours. The most important goal scored for Spurs last night came not from Nayim, but from a Billingsgate fish porter. Despite resembling the film Dodgeball, Premier League All Stars is more innocent and pure than the Premier League itself.

Anyway they're giving away free tickets and I'm going to get some. Seriously. 7pm, either Thursday or Saturday. It's in the Docklands, goes on for about three hours I think. Anyone up for it?

UPDATE

I have three tix for Thursday night - it's at the David Beckham Academy just near North Greenwich tube. FC, FS.

Samuel and Sea Lion

Oli quoted Martin Samuel last week, saying:

Abramovich’s demands are simple. He wants his players to win every trophy in sight, while balancing the ball on their noses like sea lions.

In that case, Big Rom should snap up young Kerlon:

Links and quiz

Hey! I've added some links at the side. Please comment if there are any other good football sites I should be linking to.

Also, here is a great football quiz that's been doing the rounds.

Jobs for the boys, not the goys

In my last post I offered 15 points for the first oblique reference to a Jewish conspiracy surrounding the appointment of Avram Grant as Chelsea chief. I win, having spotted this two-footed challenge from Martin Samuel:

To understand Abramovich, it is important to acknowledge that the strongest cultural influence on his life is not his nationality but his faith. In the early days of the Roman invasion, when the owner was a figure of some mystery, it was pointed out to those seeking a handle on the new man that his Jewish heritage was felt more strongly than his Russian roots. It is this that he shares with his inner circle.

Among his most senior advisers is Pini Zahavi, the Israeli-born agent... Abramovich, like Zahavi, is a frequent visitor to Israel, has been present at national team matches and sighted near the dressing-room after matches... There is no doubt that these ties are strong and, with Abramovich as owner, Grant as manager and Zahavi a trusted confidant of the pair, Chelsea are not so much Russian these days as kosher.

Gallimaufry

1) Doesn't this lady footballer's hypothetical email address remind you of this?

2) Bacary Sagna's hair is a fucking disgrace. It looks like a pigeon shat on him.

3) Fucking Pleat just said "Play the way you're facing" on his witless commentary of the Spurs game tonight. Not if you're facing your own goal on the six yard line, you cunt.

Things that make you go hmm...

1972-1986 Hapoel Petah Tikva (Youth)
1986-1991 Hapoel Petah Tikva
1991-1995 Maccabi Tel Aviv
1995-1996 Hapoel Haifa
1996-2000 Maccabi Tel Aviv
2000-2002 Maccabi Haifa
2002-2006 Israel
2007- Chelsea


5 points are awarded for the first spot of an "despite humble etc contrast to predecessor could be beneficial etc" column

15 points are awarded for first oblique suggestion of Jewish conspiracy

Fire Jose Mourinho

I write this still slightly in shock; I don't listen to R4 in the mornings so I only found out courtesy of the back of someone's newspaper in the bus this morning. I am upset because he is brilliant and I love him; the future now will likely be a galactico model necessary to hold on to fans in the US and the Far East who happily and cheerfully switch their team allegiance season-by-season. I find this uninspiring. I sit, of course, braced for the weekend shit-avalanche of barely thought-through cant from the pundits; over-rated Jose (to be over-rated is the biggest sin, in anything, period); boring Chelsea; boring, boring Chelsea. The best I've read so far is Martin Samuel in the Times, in particular:

Abramovich’s demands are simple. He wants his players to win every trophy in sight, while balancing the ball on their noses like sea lions.

I'll say it now, as a tiny, preemptive strike against the welter of abuse that will soon be directed to my team: stepovers do not good football make. Nor does passing football. I concede that the Invincibles were the best team of the modern era, but they were one of a kind - there is something uniquely depressing about watching the pass-pass-pass-pass-pass-pass-pass-pass-fluff of Arsenal on an off day (or season). Equally, there was something uniquely beautiful in Mourinho's Chelsea - players subjugated to the team ethic, always giving 100% effort: an almost Germanic efficiency. When it worked, it was thrilling - subtly so. A Scouse-supporting friend once posited that people's reaction to Peter Crouch's early troubles at Liverpool served as a litmus test to them knowing anything about football: the ones who slated him don't, basically. I feel the same about Mourinho-era (aargh the past tense!) Chelsea.

Mark E Smith's classified check

Did everyone else know about this already? It's incredible.

I don't like your Zhirkov name, I don't like your Zhirkov clothes...

Motty is definitely savouring "Zhirkov", and I will give Wrighty rare points for saying what we all thinking. For once, his moronic laddishness seem to add. Maybe in time we will all come round to it, and he will become a national treasure. Or maybe not.

Classic Motty:

"The Soviet - er, Russian supporters are still celebrating, they think it's a goal" Er... 20 years ago?

I am now siding heavily in the pro-Lawro camp, at least as a colour analyst if not a half-time pundit. He talks shit, but with charm - the random, free-spirited Hutch to Motty's Starsky.

Finally - the BBC's "ref's view" is a welcome innovation.

Sky and Hansen

Two points so far from this weekend's football:

1) Sky have ditched their crazy "let's put the score in the bottom left" experiment. I think I'd rather they'd doggedly stuck with it, to be honest. As Stef once said, "I love their constant, manic innovation"

2) Hansen was back on MotD, still sporting a weird beard, but not as obviously drunk as previously. I still think there's something we're not being told.