Louis Van Gaal + Anecdotal Evidence re: Brazilian football fans

1. I am already looking forward to hating Louis Van Gaal as Man U manager

It's hard for me to write about Man United without going full Hornby, but let's just say that the first feeling I ever had about football was hating Man U: Becks, Scholes-y, Giggsy, Nicky fucking Butt, all of them great big British LADS, probably GIVING IT LARGE etc etc etc. I pretty much started supporting Chelsea, semi-local Hornbyesque connection via my divorced father aside, because they seemed to represent, in 1994 at least, the anti-Man U - all ageing French journeymen, Continential flair, Zola, Di Matteo, no hope of the title but great cup runs, chic Fulham gastropubs with bottled Czech lagers vs Northern superclubs where people hoovered up ecstasy, ate kebabs, got into fights and generally intimidated me, even in my imagination, miles away in my sleepy West Country private school.

(OK sorry I went full Hornby).

As an extension of this I also hated Fergie for most of his career for being such a dour Scottish old school GAFFER, proper LEDGE, oo-er you don't want the HAIRDRYER TREATMENT, blah fucking blah, and loved it when the dashing European Mourinho turned up and beat him 1-0 on the first day of the 2004 season (I had to look that up). By the end of Ferguson's career it was hard to keep the hate going, especially as he is an old school Govan socialist, and of course, "Get Rid of the Cunts", but still.

Obviously I didn't hate David Moyes, and as much as I massively enjoyed Man U's collapse last season, it felt like there was something missing from my enjoyment of football. Louis Van Gaal is going to fill that pantomime villain gap perfectly, I think. Big arrogant Dutch prick, haughty little pink face, like a shrunken David Lynch, fawned over by the press for being a tough guy disciplinarian, here to whip these spoiled multimillionaires into shape, father figure, blah blah blah - I just know already that I am going to enjoy every game he loses. Balance is restored.

2. Brazilians aren't that bothered about football, or at least, are bothered in a different way

I watched two Brazil games in Brazil. The first, against Cameroon, I watched in the FIFA Fan Fest area in Salvador, the poorest city I visited. The second, the penalty thriller against Chile, I watched in a restaurant in Santa Teresa, a "bohemian" neighbourhood in Rio (in the Second World, "bohemian" = "you might get mugged, but everywhere has wifi").

We got talking to these two after the Chile match, and they invited us to an outdoor samba party. 

We went but couldn't find them, maybe we went too early. It was great though.

I can simply report from these two data points that Brazilians don't seem to watch football with anything like the focused intensity of English or other European football fans. I wouldn't quite say that football was simply an excuse for a party, but "watching the match" and "lulzing with my mates" seemed to be of equal concern. The goals were celebrated lustily, of course, and there seemed to be some general football-related banter going on, but people were also looking away from the screen and just chatting (it seemed, I don't speak Portuguese) about any old shit with their mates. I mean, even in extra-time of the Chile match, when they were in danger of being knocked out in the Round of 16 (or octofinals, as I prefer to call them), people weren't exactly on the edge of their seats.

In fact, I was more visibly tense and nervous than anyone else in the place, tapping my foot, hands in hair after a miss, "ooooohh!!", eyes fixed on the screen etc.  Obviously I cared less than the Brazilians (although I really didn't want to be in Brazil when they lost), but my learned behaviour, acculturated body language or whatever you want to call it made me seem somehow more emotionally affected than the home crowd, almost embarrassingly so - the girl in the left of the above photo even teased me about how much I seemed to care about Brazil winning (she was really fit). Think about a packed pub during a major England game, everyone with that slightly wretched expression on their face - you get the odd moment of comic relief when the ref falls over, of course, but imagine turning to your mate during the 63rd minute and asking how the course is going.

We also missed the first 10-15 minutes of the Cameroon match because we were queuing to get into the Fan Fest. I was mildly pissed off about this, especially as it was completely obvious as soon as we joined the queue that we wouldn't get in before kick off (the presence of illegal beer vendors helped - FIFA heavies went around breaking their signs but didn't evict them). Through a series of comic errors we also managed to miss:

- the first 6-8 minutes of England-Uruguay. Drake's Bar, Sao Paulo. Don't look for it; it's not there anymore. Fuck you Foyles of Charing Cross Road for selling me a 2009 Rough Guide to Brazil.

- the first 15 minutes of England-Costa Rica. Would you believe that all the bars in Salvador preferred to show Uruguay-Italy?

- the first 5 minutes of the first half and the first 10 minutes of the second half of USA-Portugal. Our taxi driver dropped us 10mins walk from where we thought we were going, so we watched the first half in a lesbian bar. This was fine until some guys came in and loaded up Cher songs on a very loud jukebox. We agreed to leave at the break, but our plate of shell-on prawns only arrived ten minutes before the second half. We ate these in silent, seething anger and then went to the first reasonable looking place, which was a sort of all-you-can-eat deli with a small screen and precisely zero atmosphere.

In all three cases, we fell into states of angry panic until we were safely in front of a screen. The snaking queue of Brazilians behind us in Salvador, however, didn't seem to give a shit that they were missing the bulk of the first half - hardly anyone was breaking off and finding a bar with a screen etc, the Fan Fest was the place to be and that was that. 

So yes, no firm conclusions to be drawn, but Brazilians didn't seem to be particularly hysterical about their national football - up for the Cup and up for a party after winning (the chef in the restaurant ran out banging a pan and the waitress chucked all the sugar in the sugar bowls in the air, later there was a hilariously drunken and inept samba parade through Santa Teresa), but in general, taking it in their stride. Even the reports of trouble after the Germany game seem pretty tame - a few scuffles, a little tear gas and a few buses burned. Canadian hockey fans do that when they WIN.

3. The only lolgif I've ever sent my (heavily Catholic) mother

What we've been saying for years...

Hornby!

Without Nick Hornby Arsenal may never have been adopted as the Guardian's football team. It's easy to blame him for the gentrification of football, but he's actually pretty good.

Here's a piece he did for ESPN challenging the narrative of decline in English football.

So the first point to make about the failure of the 2014 campaign is that progress into the last 16 would probably have necessitated one of England's most impressive World Cup results, a win over either Uruguay or Italy in the group stage, two teams they have never beaten in the finals of any tournament. And as nobody believed that we were going to Brazil with one of England's most impressive teams, it was baffling to listen to the "realists" predicting exit in the quarterfinals. How were we supposed to get even that far?

The problem with expectations

What everyone was saying:

For the first time in decades this England team goes to a World Cup without a nation expecting them to do well. 

What everyone was thinking:

This lack of expectations means they're definitely going to play really well and get to the final playing fearless, joyful football!

World Cup punchline in search of a joke

I continue to wait for a scenario in which I can say in a crowded pub, "Willian, it was really nothing".

International likes, dislikes...

This is good, from the New York Times, an analysis of countries' opinions on other countries' football.

It should be a great source of pride for the English that we only feature once in the "team to root against" column: good old Argentina.

Also, the Japanese and Australia pick the English for "who plays the most beautiful soccer".

It'll probably surprise the media to see that the English are, after the USA, the least interested in football of all the surveyed countries. Maybe we need to separate out the sports coverage into special newspapers like they do in Spain, France etc.

Brazil stinking it up at the 1970 World Cup

Brazil World Cup 1970: Myth & Legend - Video Dailymotion

Hey Yankee!

"Ruining" "football"

I was chatting to a friend the other day who was raging that Jose Mourinho was "ruining" football due to his negative tactics.

I found it really hard to understand, which shows how behind the times I am. By my way of thinking it is Mourinho's job to win matches for Chelsea, given the resources he has; it is not his job to entertain neutrals.

This is naive. The football-watching populace has changed. Once a team's games would be watched by that team's fans. They would prefer exciting football, but a win's a win. Now so many more games are televised the majority of viewers are not fans of either team, but of "football" generally.

This may be a transition period, where the managers' incentives out of line with the customers' interests. Currently wins are rewarded, by the clubs and the leagues: it may be that (the majority) of viewers care proportionally less about wins. The most exciting league will sway international viewers. Rule change may be in the Premier League's interests. Off the top of my head, here's a couple of ways to bring in the renminbis while ruining the game you all love so much.

• No more draws. If it's a draw, there's no extra time or penalties, the team with the greatest number of shots on target, or corners, wins.
• Big clocks. No more referees' watches. 
• No more offside. 
• Shot counter. You need to shoot after, I don't know, a minute or so? 

There. That'll sort it.

Ways to enjoy the World Cup

1. Support the teams of countries you like, root against the teams of countries you dislike

Not much more to say.

2. Support the African teams

Africa has never won a World Cup. Africa is a geopolitical underdog, to put it mildly. The entire continent would probably go crazy if an African team won. So support Nigeria, Ghana, Cameroon, Algeria and the Ivory Coast.

3. Buy a wall chart. 

Buy a wall chart and fill it out with your kids. It's like an advent calendar but with scores instead of chocolates. You can get free ones with newspapers, or fancy designer-y ones if you know where to look. Essentially you are turning the World Cup into an extra administrative chore, but somehow it becomes enjoyable.

4. Gamble 

Not on individual matches, but on cumulative bets that will draw you into checking each match. A good one is "total number of goals in the group stages / round of 16 etc". DON'T GAMBLE ONLINE. Go to the bookies, make a day of it, keep your betting slips stuck to the fridge using magnets.

5. Have friends around

Football is supposed to be a sociable, semi-background activity. The World Cup especially so. Have people "around for the match", serve up some country-specific food or beverage (this is slightly twee but acceptable for the World Cup), sit around in front of the TV half-watching the match and talking about all the stuff you normally talk about.

6. Just keep it on in the background, like Test Match Special or Wimbledon

A bit trickier this year as it mostly runs in the UK evenings, but yes, you're not actually supposed to concentrate intently on each match. Just let it sort of wash through the house on a low volume. You could even try having the radio on, "football is better on the radio" is an under-explored football hipster notion.

7. Watch matches at immigrant restaurants/bars

Easier in London I suspect, but this is a nice bit of cultural tourism.

8. Flag bunting

Just enjoy flag bunting when you see it. See if you can identify all of the flags. Maybe put some up in your house, or outside it. Embrace the colour.

Ways to enjoy the World Cup (preface)

Sometimes I feel sorry for football, making so much effort to be a genuinely global game of the people, a common sporting tongue, and yet so singularly failing to warm Al's heart.

The 1990s Hornbyisation of football was obviously due a correction, but as in Left politics, just because a few middle class people inevitably get a bit carried away and make fools of themselves is no reason to jettison the whole enterprise. I guess there is the whole issue about feeling socially pressured to be into football, although is that really, really a thing? Would be very interested to hear people's lived experiences on that, I suspect it's overblown but happy to be corrected.

My own pet theory (which quite possibly falls under the category of "middle class people getting a bit carried away") is that some educated, cultured, middle class people struggle with football because, contra Al's last post, it doesn't really offer much of a mirror to one's self in the way that books, films and foreign box sets might. We try to develop narratives around football players, teams, managers etc because that's what humans do, and we can often pull it off, but the football itself is not trying to reach you emotionally or intellectually, to show you something of yourself (you beautiful, complex individual), in the way that a novel does. It is poor fuel for the ego, in other words, not much use for self-actualisation. Just look at attempts to eke social distinction out of football: any more than "moderate" footie knowledge or team loyalty offers rapidly diminishing returns (I think).

If you'll allow me to go completely overboard, I would say that this is the beauty of football: it provides an arena in which you can come closer to negating the self by dissolving into the crowd. Not just today's crowd, but a century of crowds before you, up and down the country, across Europe in fact, any settlement larger than a hamlet fielding a team, kicking off at three o'clock, men in flat caps, jumpers for goal posts etc etc.

There are experts who can decipher a game of football like a text - part of the mesmerising effect of football is that there are underlying patterns to the seeming chaos that only reveal themselves after you've watched quite a lot of it (it took me about ten years of football viewing to realise that, rather than just keeping your eyes on the ball, you should always be trying to identify the potential passing options of the player in possession). But I don't think that this is the point of the exercise for the casual fan, anymore than being able to give credible tasting notes is the point of drinking beer. It's a space where you can vacate yourself and just join in for the sake of joining in, to empty yourself out temporarily and become a vessel of something bigger, something communal. The fact that the big, communal thing to which you are submitting yourself is totally pointless makes it even better - a colourful, harmless religion.

Best of all, this vacation of self carries on after the match. A footie conversation with a taxi driver / random bloke in the pub / office security guard where you both just spout the conventional wisdom, barely taking your brain out of first gear - what a beautiful thing!

Anyway I have some suggestions on how non-football fans can enjoy the World Cup (a tournament designed for non-football fans), but I've gone on too long so I'll do it as a separate post.

The three stages of footballing interest (for someone who doesn't like football)

You know that bit in The Commitments when that guy says of music, "I don't know why you bother. Everything's shite since Roy Orbison died." That's pretty much how I feel about football since van Nistelrooy went to Real Madrid.

A simpler time

It's hard, being drawn to football without liking it much. You need a framework.

I can't watch football as a fan. I don't care about any of the teams. In my 20s I could identify, at a pinch, with the players. Now I'm too old for that and I haven't watched any games for years.

Recently though, I've found myself obsessively following results. The key is the managers. I doubt I could name more than twenty Premiership players, but I'd have a fair stab at most of the managers. Greying men, their primes behind them, trying to ride chaos. These are the guys I can relate to.

The third stage of my interest in football might kick in when I'm in late middle age: an identification with international managers, the semi-retired. Right now, though, I couldn't care less about those old geezers. And I don't care about their players. So how can I care about the World Cup?

Guys, what's the way in?

Football Hipster Dilemma

Today I nearly texted our mutual friend Kenny to see what his plans are for tomorrow's La Liga decider, assuming it would have some absurdly late post-tapas kick-off time and we could watch the Cup Final and Spanish decider together in succession. But they're at the same time, 5pm BST!!!

Are all of the football hipsters really going to watch Madrid-Barcelona instead of our own domestic, "magic" cup final? Am I a bit UKIP for even caring? Will I watch the Cup Final while secretly wishing I was watching the other match? Yes, yes and yes?

Why is the Cup Final kicking off at 5pm? I guess I should be grateful it is actually ending the season. But what's wrong with 3pm, where's the clash?

I try really hard not to be a dick about Americans blogging about the "EPL" but there was a particularly obnoxious piece in Grantland a few months ago arguing to the effect that the added insult to Theo Walcott's injury was the fact it took place during the less lucrative (and possibly less internationally broadcasted?) FA Cup. The article basically called upon fans (of top sides anyway) to take a sensible, grown up approach to the FA Cup and stop caring about it, to give our blessing to weakened teams blah blah blah as those are just the realities of the game.

It's true that there is a disparity between the prestige of the FA Cup and the meagre financial rewards attached, but is the onus really on the supporters to resolve that disparity by adjusting our feelings to the financial structure of the game? Maybe it could be the other way around?

Here's a way to do it cheaply as well - the winner of the FA Cup is exempted from financial fair play regulations for a year. No one will play a weakened team again ever.

Anyway I'll text Kenny tomorrow and see what he is doing.