Fire Andy Townsend

Note about Arsenal 4 - 4 Spurs

2008-10-30T22:14:00.001Z

What the hell was that minute and a half of a documentary about the USS Nimitz just after the half time adverts all about?

Barrymore

2008-10-19T17:13:00.003+01:00

A fair amount of justified use of the word "cunt" in the comments thread for this baffling embarrassment.

'Keep your daughter in sight. or you will be my family'

2008-10-16T23:59:00.003+01:00

Rapping footballers - can I get enough? The answer: no.

Of course the Anfield Rap we all know about. I was close to posting Fulham bench-warmer Clint "Deuce" Dempsey's rhymes, but this is fully sick, yo:

The commentary makes it...

2008-10-16T23:33:00.001+01:00

Aparantly that's a language he's speaking.

Townsend speaks! The first of an occasional series

2008-10-11T09:58:00.004+01:00

A bit old, but I couldn't resist poking fun at this insult to the word 'analysis', by the sham-paddy buffoon.

Apparently, Lionel Messi is 'a bit special'. No fucking shit. Also, Tiger Wood is 'good at golf' and old Picasso 'could paint a bit'. He goes on to add: 'Word reaches me from Spain that he is on top of his game.'. No need phone up your no doubt numerous contacts on the Iberian peninsula Andy, all his games are on the telly.

Other pearls include Chelsea looking 'knackered'. For the record, the blues went on to stroll to a 2-0 win against a tough Villa side four days later.

You’re in f***ing Latvia!

2008-10-03T23:44:00.000+01:00

Classic Warnock:

You're a c**t.

2008-10-03T10:04:00.000+01:00

We've all seen this, right?

News!

2008-09-29T16:18:00.002+01:00

Nigerians confirm bid for Magpies

A spokesman for the consortium added:

"In order for Newcastle to obtain the funds for the takeover, Mike Ashley must deposit $100,000 in a Nigerian bank account for administration fees

GOOD DAY AND GOD BLESS"

Two things about tonight's Liverpool game on ITV

2008-09-16T22:24:00.002+01:00

1) Why does Clive Tyldesley pronounce "another" to ryhme with "bother"?
2) Why were Marseille playing in gold? I thought their home kit was white and blue.

The Today Today

2008-09-04T23:41:00.004+01:00

On Today this morning, one of the codgers (Humphrys? Naughtie? Could even have been Stourton. If it's not Sarah Montague or floundering new-boy Evan Davis I don't notice) was reading out some football news.

He had three names to say and managed mispronounce and incorrectly stress all three.

He pronounced Robinho "Rob-Eno".

Berbatov became "Ber-BAT-off".

I began to wonder if he was taking the piss when he pronounced the name of the out-going West Ham manager as Alan "Cur-BISH-ley". Come on! It's hardly an exotic surname.

I see the football season has started...

2008-09-04T22:30:00.002+01:00

I'm sure I'm supposed to have opinions on it and that. While I think of some, here's Jimmy Bullard in a bin:

00:50

2008-08-24T02:01:00.001+01:00

Testify, brother.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SNHXGC9zXDs

2008-06-16T12:50:00.003+01:00

Further to two of Marty's posts below:

1. As established by Marty himself, balls *aren't* getting lighter. Law 2 of FIFA's Laws of the Game stipulates (amongst other things) that the ball be:

"not more than 450 g (16 oz) in weight and not less than 410 g (14 oz) at the start of the match"

And this rule has been unchanged since 1937 ... when balls were made marginally heavier with an increase in the permissible weight from the original 1872 specification of 13-15oz.

2. Only TV pundit to get the van Nistelrooy offside-call right? Steffen Simon, much-loathed German TV commentator. Spotters badge to Uli Hesse-Lichtenberger. And of course *he* knew it too.

Pleat update

2008-06-13T09:38:00.002+01:00

He is currently refering to the Czech Republic as the "Republic of Czechoslovakia".

Twat.

Article 11.4.1

2008-06-10T14:18:00.004+01:00

Martin to Stefan
10:44 (3½ hours ago)

So I'm looking for this so called "Article 11.4.1" which says a defender can still play an attacker onside when he's off the pitch.

Can't find it of course. However, the photo on page 78 showing how much shirt has to be removed before a yellow card offence is committed was some consolation.

Can you shed any light on any of these areas?

Stefan to Martin
10:44 (42 minutes ago)

Some of the phrasing in the Rules of the Game is wonderful, for example:
"Removing a jersey after a goal has been scored is unnecessary"

I like the implication that there are some people labouring under the misapprehension that it *is* necessary.

More generally, what the fuck is going on with this article 11.4.1 business??

I too have tried to search for it and for the "refereeing code" and the only references to either are from the last 24 hours and refer to this particular incident.

Is it
a) top secret
or
b) a massive made-up lie?

I. Don't. Understand.

Martin to Stefan
14:10 (10 minutes ago)

I mean - Article 11.4.1 sounds plausible enough. Law 11 is the offside rule after all. Maybe it's from an internal document circulated by FIFA? Not that I can find it of course.

I like the unintended consequence of this law - could we see an attacker lining himself up with a player being stretchered off along the touchline, for example?

PS The Dutch have peaked way too early.

The second most predictable pre-major tournament football story

2008-06-06T16:46:00.006+01:00

Petr Cech is concerned about the ball being used at EM2008 (as I insist on calling it)

Not unlike Kasey Keller in 2006.

Or Gianluigi Buffon in 2004.

Or Zlatko Zahovic in 2002.

The most predictable? The one about how it's going to be "Spain's Year".

Citation Needed!

2008-05-28T22:37:00.001+01:00

From wikipedia:

Peacock has worked with the BBC, regularly appearing as a pundit on Football Focus, Score, Match of the Day 2, where his insightful comments and sharp dress sense has become a hit with viewers

He will be moving to Canada to become a priest after Euro 2008, though. That is true.

Bilic Update

2008-05-14T19:43:00.002+01:00

His band "Rawbau" perform Croatia's Euro 2008 song:

PS You can also see him on Croatian "Who wants to be a millionaire?"

There's no better bacon

2008-05-01T19:42:00.000+01:00

Round Up

2008-04-30T09:48:00.003+01:00

1) David "fucking" Pleat gets it totally wrong on the recent Man U - Chelsea game. As Andy Gray pointed out, Chelsea's strength came from the indomitable midfield triangle of Mikel John Obi, holding that shit tight, and Essien/Ballack feeding off each other and making surging runs through the middle. Yes, The Drog is great but he had a poor game.

2) The Economist is doing a continuing series on how football explains economics. I love that shit.

3) I am still yet to see Carrick have a good game.

I fucking hate fucking Liverpool - Part Deux

2008-04-09T19:37:00.001+01:00

So they get some soft refereeing decisions and scrape through. Doesn't stop them being boring to watch and extremely lucky...

Euro 2008 Guardian Sweepstakes

2008-03-27T15:55:00.003Z

Exciting, isn't it? We are just a few months away from the first England-less major soccerball tournament in 14 years. When Taylor's boys fucked up in 1993, the Prem was in its infancy and football was yet to become the great big fuck-off THING it is today. (anybody want to buy some shares in JJB?). How is the country, the economy, and more pertinently to this concern, the footballing press going to cope with it? I can't wait.

One cert: the "England are out. Who should we support?" filler piece. Guardian will be there first, obviously, but will be followed by all the rest. The question is, what will the most "opinion" opinion on this be?

As far as I can see, the frontrunners are:

Poland - but maybe too London-centric and obvious
Germany - maybe too Guardian for even the Guardian
Austria - spirit of Havant & Waterlooville (who could probably beat Austria)

What do we think? (Obviously, I will be supporting France.)

The other dead cert is "In a way, it's better that England haven't etc" which is of course indefensible bollocks.

Carrick, early b-sides and The Emperor's New Clothes

2008-03-24T14:46:00.003Z

The latest fashion amongst the more "intellectual" end of football journalism seems to be a renewed awe for the "ball-playing" midfielder. Much as any self-respecting music critic will profess a love for a band's early b-sides rather than the famous songs which are good, so a pretentious football writer will effuse praise on a Pirlo or a Xavi, rather than players who actually score the fucking goals.

Witness the Guardian's man-of-the-match rated performance for Carrick. Apparently he "Dictated the flow, covered superbly and composure shone" (which is grammatically inconsistent at best) despite the fact he "Had crowd (sic) on his back for three bad passes". Maybe that crowd have seen him play more times than you, Andy Hunter, and know a stinker when they see one.

Now I am a fan of the anchor-role; the string pulling, linchpin of a side. Paul Scholes, for example, is certainly one of the greatest English players of the last 20 years. He has a knack of knowing what the right pass is, be it 5 yards or 50. In the case of Carrick, however, I just don't see it. We know about the long list of weaknesses in his game: tackling, pace, heading, finishing etc. But even his supposed strength of passing seems no better to me than a Lampard, Gerrard or Barry never mind a Scholes, Hargreaves or Anderson, whom he must battle for a place in the side.

I'm watching you Carrick and I'm not afraid to say it. The Emperor has no clothes!

Sepp Blatter is wrong about everything

2008-03-09T13:07:00.003Z

Sepp Blatter is a maniac who wants to ruin football. In just one week, he's managed to be utterly incorrect about four separate issues!

Issue 1 - obviously it's a brilliant idea, you fool

Issue 2 - because pivotal sporting contests shouldn't be decided on the whims of power crazed little Hitlers

Issue 3 - Wenger made a similar statement in the heat of the Eduardo tackle, but then rightly retracted it when he'd calmed down. Is Blatter seriously suggesting you ruin someone's career for a moment of madness?

Issue 4 - it would be a laugh, and so obviously he opposes it.

Footy, footy, footy

2008-03-08T14:47:00.002Z

Nice to see Adam & Joe's deliberately terrible piss-take football song being used with a straight face by npower for their ridiculous "carbon footyprint" campaign.

Mourinho eager to 'kill' Chelsea

2008-03-06T13:44:00.000Z

From the bbc.

Let's hope it's as the new manager of Manchester United.

Hideous Yellow Away Shirt #4

2008-02-28T16:49:00.002Z

Wales:

Disgusting Yellow Away Shirt #3

2008-02-28T09:56:00.004Z

Sheffield United:

Carling Cup Final; Chelsea

2008-02-25T08:54:00.003Z

I'm not normally much of a lad for football's tribalism, but I was at the Carling Cup Final yesterday, and I finally saw why people hate Chelsea. There are some sound individuals - Joe Cole, Petr Cech - but their fans, their Lampard, their Drogba...

On TV* you see Drogba doing something cool and you think, "how can anyone have a problem with this guy?", but off the ball, and so off-camera, he never stops being objectionable.

* I say "on TV" - obviously I don't mean that I watch whole games. I don't even mean Match of the Day highlights - I mean short clips on the news or youtube.

I fucking hate fucking Liverpool

2008-02-19T21:46:00.002Z

They are such awful cunts. Now we'll get the same old guff about those "glorious European nights" at Anfield. Inter were the victims of the softest sending off since teams used to bribe the refs back in the 80s and lost their other centre back on a stretcher.

The only good thing to come from tonight's games was ITV getting a workmanlike Beglin in to do co-commentary and sending that moronic arse Pleat out to Greece. Can you leave him there?

Why must Sepp Blatter ruin everything?

2008-02-15T08:47:00.001Z

Obviously the idea to play Premiership matches abroad is brilliant. Fuck Blatter, and fuck the World Cup.

Kammy

2008-02-12T22:10:00.001Z

The best sending off ever?

2008-02-08T10:53:00.000Z

What was he thinking?

More things to agree on

2008-02-08T03:54:00.000Z

Obviously we are all completely psyched about the Premier League's plans to play ten league matches abroad in January 2011? Good.

Meanwhile - I am in town for the final group matches of the Hong Kong Football Association League Cup, which is next weekend. Assuming girlfriend permission, I intend to provide full coverage. Nine of the ten HKFA league teams are playing, which gives me a chance to pick my HK team (although unfortunately the one team that isn't playing, Workable FC, is already a frontrunner on name basis alone.) Wonderfully, all the teams except Lanwa Redbull play on the same ground, Mongkok Stadium, which will make the whole thing easier.

mongkok stadium

Hideous Yellow Away Shirt Update

2008-02-07T17:21:00.001Z

Spain's is a stinker.

Something we can all agree on

2008-02-01T12:24:00.000Z

Surely the most annoying "classic greatest goal" of all time is that bloody Argentina goal from the last World Cup, the one with the 146-pass build-up (mostly defenders passing to each other in their own half). Agreed? Good.

Anatomy of a goal

2008-02-01T11:51:00.000Z

I'm not sure what the best Premiership goal ever was, but I'm certain that it was scored by Thierry Henry, my favourite Premiership player. Here's one from the FA Cup. Why is it so good? First, the audacity and creativity of the initial self-pass. Second, the pace needed to catch up with Carra (not the player he originally tried to tonk it around). Third, the physicality and agility to rob Carra, who gets to it first, of the ball. Fourth, the confidence and composure to pull away from goal, around Agger, when Agger starts to close him down (watch the slo-mo replay: 90% of strikers would shoot at 00:42-00:43, not bring the ball horizontally across the goalmouth at two Liverpool defenders to open up the angle). Fifth, he doesn't actually strike the ball that hard - as much as I can appreciate traction-engine legs like Hasselbaink's, true class is a calm, unhurried slot into the corner.

My favourite Premiership goal, by my favourite Premiership player, with my favourite celebration

2008-01-28T15:48:00.000Z

Now I know this isn't really the point of this site, but indulge me this once.

You can't front on Yeboah

2008-01-28T15:32:00.000Z

and finally...

2008-01-27T09:01:00.001Z

Did Lawro really describe Wigan's pitch yesterday as "looking like a 777 had belly-flopped down the middle?"

I mean, no-one died, but still!

Also...

2008-01-26T21:02:00.000Z

One of the great things about non-league football is how close you are to the pitch and the players. You hear them talk to each other, see the expressions on their faces - you even get the odd touch of the ball for throw-ins etc. This can, however, be something of a double-edged sword, as I discovered today when a Bath City striker unleashed a shot from about 15 yards that screamed towards goal, dipped over the crossbar and hit me in the nuts.

Let's kick flourescent yellow away shirts out of football

2008-01-26T20:20:00.000Z

For the second time this week I have watched 90mins of my TV team Chelsea and struggled with their vomit-inducing flourescent kit.

Now Chelsea have previous when it comes to disgusting away kits, e.g. the 95/96 grey-and-orange affair, but I find this new Adidas kit (officially, "electricity yellow" - urgh) actually affects my ability to support the team. On the most basic physiological level, my eyes squint and instinctively gravitate away from the screen, and I find myself reading the paper, or just aimlessly looking around the room. On a psychological level, I find it difficult to believe that what I am watching is actually a real match; possibly because the flourescence subconsciously suggests the bibs players wear in training.

Barcelona had this away strip last season; UEFA should have intervened then. Sort it out Adidas!

Super Mario!

2008-01-25T20:00:00.001Z

The best goal ever scored in the Premiership

I don't care, I'm Scottish

2008-01-23T23:01:00.001Z

Another man who needs to be in the Premiership

Insert witty pun about balls

2008-01-21T21:47:00.000Z

Real Madrid attacking midfielder Guti, once dated a male-to-female transsexual. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Statistic of the day

2008-01-19T23:35:00.000Z

This season, Ronaldo, Adebayor and Benjani have all scored more goals on their own than the entire Derby County team.

They got more silver than Buckingham Palace

2008-01-17T10:29:00.001Z

You two scousers are always yapping
I'm gonna show you some serious rappin
I come from Jamaica, my name is John Barn-es
When I do my thing the crowd go bananas

I think he means "throw"

Get this kick-ass motherfucker in the Premiership now!

2008-01-16T16:57:00.000Z

Bilic tells it like it is.

"protectionism merely coddles the mediocre"

2008-01-15T10:44:00.000Z

Trust The Economist to nail the problem with English football.

I'm sorry I Havant a clue

2008-01-07T18:28:00.000Z

Unless I am doing a particularly bad job of web-searching, it doesn't appear that anyone is televising the Havant & Waterlooville vs Swansea City FA Cup replay on Wednesday. This is a shame, as Havant & Waterlooville's ground would have been one of the most comically shabby affairs ever to be beamed into the nation's living rooms. I had the pleasure of watching the mighty Bath City defeat Havant 4-1 away in the penultimate game of the 2003-04 Dr Martens Premier season, the third of a four-game winning streak that almost, almost saw us avoid de facto relegation when the non-league pyramid was restructured. Thankfully we were promoted within three years and now count Havant as colleagues in Conference South.

Havant is basically in inland suburb of Portsmouth. The club's ground, Westleigh Park, is a corrugated iron shithole several miles from the town centre, in the middle of an industrial park. I simply cannot understand why anyone would choose to spend their Saturday afternoons there (obviously many would say the same of my beloved Twerton Park.)

That said, fair play to H&W for sticking to their guns this time. When they drew Millwall at home in the 1st round of the FA Cup last season, they bowed to police pressure and moved the game to Fratton Park, losing £20,000 in the process.

The war against Clichy

2007-12-26T22:30:00.000Z

The pundits are too busy milking themselves dry over Fabregas and Hleb to realise the actual reason Arsenal have improved this season is due to their unheralded left-back, who leads all defenders in the EPL in both passes intercepted (58 - 10 more than the next best) and tackles won (71 - an astonishing 20 more than anyone else in the league)

Mostly though, I've had the titular pun in my head for weeks and I've been looking for an excuse to use it.

Come on

2007-12-26T16:00:00.000Z

There are dire warnings in the press that Fabio Capello won't have faced anything quite as intense and critical as the British media, that he'll get a shock at how harsh and ruthless our sports journalists can be.

What a lot of self-aggrandising bollocks this is.

Fabio Capello has won titles and been sacked in Spain at a club that has a newspaper dedicated exclusively to it. And in Italy he conquered first Serie A and then Europe under the sly, interfering, nastly little eye of the filthy great crook who runs the biggest commercial media organisation in the country, and in latters years, the country itself, thereby taking control of state media too.

Fabio Capello doesn't need lectures on handling the media from the likes of Brian "Woolly" Woolnough.

A Narrow Escape

2007-12-12T19:05:00.000Z

I gave up on the English national team a few years ago: I stopped watching their games and hey, the world kept turning. The only development which would tempt me back would be a wisdom-of-crowds-style internet-chosen team coached by Derren Brown.

And then this Mourinho thing... I was unsettled. I was asking myself difficult questions.

Luckily his withdrawal, and the resulting certainty that the England will not win the World Cup in my lifetime, has made things easier - I am again indifferent.

Until... Until...

Fighting Talk: just not good enough

2007-12-05T08:36:00.000Z

It's a nice idea, Fighting Talk, a forum for contrarians and controversialists to cut through the cant surrounding sport, and football in particular, but it's almost always disappointing. They do just enough to keep me coming back, hoping that it's going to catch fire, but it's so cosy, so safe, so reliant on the same reference points (Wayne Rooney fancies old ladies, Drogba dives) in lieu of perspicacity and invention.

To really work it needs a less conventional and egomaniacal host, and a smaller pool of guests to pick from: Brady can stay, so can Mills, Bunce, Anderson, Watt and Watson. Park, Buckley and Kelner should never be heard from again.

The Magic of the FA Cup

2007-12-03T17:57:00.000Z

Was it just me, or did Ray Stubbs look like he wanted to physically injure Carlton Palmer during yesterday's woeful pitchside punditry at halftime of Harrogate Railway v Mansfield? I mean, the boy's shit, but you're supposed to be on the same team there.

Omission Bias and Penalty Kicks

2007-11-28T11:48:00.000Z

Interesting report at the British Pschological Society's blog suggesting keepers should just stand in the middle of the goal, rather than diving. Research suggests that omission bias comes in to play, that is, goalies feel more regret on letting in a penalty if they don't dive than when they do.

A few points:

- It would be sad if this new tactic was adopted, leading to the demise of the second* greatest penalty, the chip down the middle. (watch the Portugese penalty on 32 sec - I don't mind England being beaten by that display of balls)

- This obviously assumes that a professional goalkeeper is capable of saving a ball hit straight at him.

* This is the best form of pen, obviously. Helps if you tell your team what you're doing though.

Choose an English coach - Platini

2007-11-27T09:43:00.000Z

Of course he would say that! He wants England to be as shit as possible, the dirty frog.

Platini - wants what's worst for English football.

"My dear, my penis is a mountain"

2007-11-25T11:58:00.000Z

Just checking nobody missed this.

Shearer coy about England vacancy

2007-11-24T13:42:00.000Z

I should fucking hope so.

Prick.

Slaven Bilic is cool as fuck

2007-11-21T12:18:00.000Z

Ahead of England's must-draw game, we can only look on at the chump we have at the helm who pales in comparison to the rugged bad-boy Croatia have leading them.

And now for something completely different...

2007-11-15T20:10:00.001Z

Quota me Happy

2007-11-15T13:11:00.000Z

Why is it that just as one sports organisation realises quota systems are a stupid waste of time, another much more powerful one wants to bring them in?

As far as I can see, the effects will be thus:

1) Prices for English players increase dramatically as demand increases. As with most football transfers, this will be most outrageous at the lower end of the talent pool. Few could bemoan a Hargreaves or an Owen commanding a high fee, but expect to see makeweights like Nicky Shorey and Stuart Downing going for silly money, purely because of their nationality.

2) The quality of the Premier League goes down. As talented foreign stars are replaced with less talented Englishmen, so the quality will decrease.

3) Because of this decrease in quality, the English players will be playing with, and against, weaker players and so their ability will not be as high as it is now. Therefore, the England team will be worse also.

The only plus for the England team I can see would be:

- due to the advantages of being England qualified, more African and Commonwealth players opt to play for England, thus increasing the talent pool available. The French have been doing this for years (Patrice Evra and Patrick Vieira were both born in Dakar, Senegal, for example). What Englishman wouldn't welcome football's answer to big KP?

Power to the (capitalist) people

2007-11-15T11:40:00.000Z

"Democracy" and "fan power" have now landed in the UK, specifically in the Blue Square Premier (aka the Conference), where Ebbsfleet FC, not content with changing THE NAME OF THE CLUB to suit sponsors Eurostar, have now sold a 51% stake to venture capitalist firm myfootballclub.co.uk. Team tactics, starting XI will now be decided etc etc.

The "real-life Championship Manager" model is without doubt a rather cute idea. The terraces have always been a pretty vibrant marketplace of ideas - how wonderful to get all Freakonomics on that shit and have the fans actually call the shots.

Except... the new owners aren't fans. Or rather, they aren't fans of Ebbsfleet FC - they're just fans of a rather cute idea. For example Tom Dear, one of the folk who paid 35 quid for a stake in the club:

“To be honest, I didn’t even know Ebbsfleet existed. I don’t know if it will work, but it will be interesting".

Interesting indeed, great fodder for dinner parties and down the pub. "Yes I'm part of that online club thing. We get to pick the players, it's all very modern and interesting. Rather interestingly, all the players are completely unmotivated, none of the actual fans turn up anymore and the club is facing both relegation and bankruptcy. Still, I reckon I've got my 35 quid's worth."

Of course, the fabled wisdom of crowds could in fact propel Ebbsfleet into the League: time will tell. But Christ, I'm glad it's not my club.

Quote of the Weekend

2007-10-29T11:30:00.000Z

"The people who run this game, sometimes I think they just don't understand joy, and sharing"

- Andy Gray after Fabregas was booked for running into the crowd to celebrate his equaliser at Anfield.

The Wisdom of Jews

2007-10-25T16:59:00.000+01:00

Hats off to Israeli amateur side Hapoel Kiryat Shalom for putting the "Wisdom of Crowds" theory into practice by getting the fans to pick the team.

More in The Times

In the same way that I joined the Labour Party in 2005...

2007-10-19T22:29:00.000+01:00

... I may well buy a Chelsea shirt with Drogba on the back in 2007.

Also, I suddenly desperately want a subscription to France Football. Or even better, a French girlfriend to translate France Football to me while lazily lying in bed wearing an France No12 shirt.

UPDATE!

I am definitely getting a Drogba shirt.

Non-story of the Week

2007-10-19T09:58:00.000+01:00

... is of course "Mourinho for England", a drum that the Times in particular has been banging despite the virtual impossibility of such an occurrence. It started earlier this week with the headline "Mourinho could be next England manager" - naturally I clicked the link (thereby adding a unique visit to the TimesOnline's web statistics, on which they base their advertising rates), eager to see whether the Special One had indeed been spotted lunching near Soho Square with Twatty Barwick. In fact, the Times hack had managed to wring 300 words out of the fact that Mourinho's leaving settlement with Chelsea does not legally prevent him from managing the England side, even though it does prevent him from working in the Premiership. So in other words, Mourinho "could", in the strictest sense of the word, be the next England manager. Thanks boys.

Not content to let a juicy non-story lie, the Times are at it again today with a piece headlined "FA to make reluctant Mourinho prime target". Again, once the punter has clicked the link and boosted ad sales, there is another weak article that produces not one shred of evidence that anyone at the FA is seriously considering Jose for the job, let alone making him the prime target. Instead, it says that he would be "a hugely popular choice", speculates that if McClaren goes, there will be "a clamour for the Portuguese to take over", without identifying the source of this clamour, which is , of course, The Times itself.

You call this cold?

2007-10-17T17:05:00.000+01:00

Sky are playing up the cold weather in Moscow, even making Hoddle and Redknapp wear stupid scarves in the booth. However, BBC weather paints a different picture. A minimum of 8 degrees Celsius! That is slightly parky.

NB When I was in Moscow it was -25C so nerr.

This isn't your kid's sports day, Wrighty

2007-10-13T15:53:00.000+01:00

When will the BBC clamp down on all England half-time coverage starting off with some limp banter about Wrighty Jnr.?

...also known as Steaua, Roş-Albaştrii or Militarii

2007-10-03T09:37:00.000+01:00

Are FC Steaua Bucureşti the first team to have their kit designed by children? The names are even written in comic sans.

I should be ashamed of myself

2007-10-01T20:28:00.000+01:00

I couldn't really hear the radio, but I overheard the words "Steven Gerrard" and "broken leg".

When I saw this headline, though, I was so relieved.

So relieved that a small child has broken his leg. Terrible.

Premier League All Stars

2007-09-25T12:11:00.000+01:00

I've watched two episodes of this and I am completely hooked. What's that, you don't have Sky? Basically each Prem team is represented in a 7-a-side tournament by a squad of ten players: four former greats (e.g. Ruud Gullit for Chelsea, Nayim for Spurs), three celebrity fans (e.g. Angus Deayton for Man U) and three everyday fans (one below 25, one 25-40, one 40+). 20mins each way, with lots of bizarre, Twenty20-esque innovations - the ball is dropped from a chute for kickoffs, goals count double in the last minute of each half, there is a sin bin, or in fact a "cooler" for anyone who receives a "blue card", which, excellently, looks like a cryogenic chamber, complete with dry ice - it's basically fucking brilliant.

What makes it is, of course, the everyday fans. I saw the build-up programme where they all had a trial to represent their clubs (Neil Warnock made the selections). It clearly meant so much to them. And judging on the two matches i watched last night, the fans seem to have the biggest impact on the game, as they are all decent Sunday league players, and are insanely excited to be wearing the club colours. The most important goal scored for Spurs last night came not from Nayim, but from a Billingsgate fish porter. Despite resembling the film Dodgeball, Premier League All Stars is more innocent and pure than the Premier League itself.

Anyway they're giving away free tickets and I'm going to get some. Seriously. 7pm, either Thursday or Saturday. It's in the Docklands, goes on for about three hours I think. Anyone up for it?

UPDATE

I have three tix for Thursday night - it's at the David Beckham Academy just near North Greenwich tube. FC, FS.

Samuel and Sea Lion

2007-09-24T16:43:00.000+01:00

Oli quoted Martin Samuel last week, saying:

Abramovich’s demands are simple. He wants his players to win every trophy in sight, while balancing the ball on their noses like sea lions.

In that case, Big Rom should snap up young Kerlon:

Links and quiz

2007-09-21T17:15:00.000+01:00

Hey! I've added some links at the side. Please comment if there are any other good football sites I should be linking to.

Also, here is a great football quiz that's been doing the rounds.

Jobs for the boys, not the goys

2007-09-21T12:14:00.000+01:00

In my last post I offered 15 points for the first oblique reference to a Jewish conspiracy surrounding the appointment of Avram Grant as Chelsea chief. I win, having spotted this two-footed challenge from Martin Samuel:

To understand Abramovich, it is important to acknowledge that the strongest cultural influence on his life is not his nationality but his faith. In the early days of the Roman invasion, when the owner was a figure of some mystery, it was pointed out to those seeking a handle on the new man that his Jewish heritage was felt more strongly than his Russian roots. It is this that he shares with his inner circle.

Among his most senior advisers is Pini Zahavi, the Israeli-born agent... Abramovich, like Zahavi, is a frequent visitor to Israel, has been present at national team matches and sighted near the dressing-room after matches... There is no doubt that these ties are strong and, with Abramovich as owner, Grant as manager and Zahavi a trusted confidant of the pair, Chelsea are not so much Russian these days as kosher.

Gallimaufry

2007-09-20T20:30:00.000+01:00

1) Doesn't this lady footballer's hypothetical email address remind you of this?

2) Bacary Sagna's hair is a fucking disgrace. It looks like a pigeon shat on him.

3) Fucking Pleat just said "Play the way you're facing" on his witless commentary of the Spurs game tonight. Not if you're facing your own goal on the six yard line, you cunt.

Things that make you go hmm...

2007-09-20T15:59:00.000+01:00

1972-1986 Hapoel Petah Tikva (Youth)
1986-1991 Hapoel Petah Tikva
1991-1995 Maccabi Tel Aviv
1995-1996 Hapoel Haifa
1996-2000 Maccabi Tel Aviv
2000-2002 Maccabi Haifa
2002-2006 Israel
2007- Chelsea

5 points are awarded for the first spot of an "despite humble etc contrast to predecessor could be beneficial etc" column

15 points are awarded for first oblique suggestion of Jewish conspiracy

Fire Jose Mourinho

2007-09-20T11:06:00.000+01:00

I write this still slightly in shock; I don't listen to R4 in the mornings so I only found out courtesy of the back of someone's newspaper in the bus this morning. I am upset because he is brilliant and I love him; the future now will likely be a galactico model necessary to hold on to fans in the US and the Far East who happily and cheerfully switch their team allegiance season-by-season. I find this uninspiring. I sit, of course, braced for the weekend shit-avalanche of barely thought-through cant from the pundits; over-rated Jose (to be over-rated is the biggest sin, in anything, period); boring Chelsea; boring, boring Chelsea. The best I've read so far is Martin Samuel in the Times, in particular:

Abramovich’s demands are simple. He wants his players to win every trophy in sight, while balancing the ball on their noses like sea lions.

I'll say it now, as a tiny, preemptive strike against the welter of abuse that will soon be directed to my team: stepovers do not good football make. Nor does passing football. I concede that the Invincibles were the best team of the modern era, but they were one of a kind - there is something uniquely depressing about watching the pass-pass-pass-pass-pass-pass-pass-pass-fluff of Arsenal on an off day (or season). Equally, there was something uniquely beautiful in Mourinho's Chelsea - players subjugated to the team ethic, always giving 100% effort: an almost Germanic efficiency. When it worked, it was thrilling - subtly so. A Scouse-supporting friend once posited that people's reaction to Peter Crouch's early troubles at Liverpool served as a litmus test to them knowing anything about football: the ones who slated him don't, basically. I feel the same about Mourinho-era (aargh the past tense!) Chelsea.

Mark E Smith's classified check

2007-09-15T10:48:00.001+01:00

Did everyone else know about this already? It's incredible.

I don't like your Zhirkov name, I don't like your Zhirkov clothes...

2007-09-12T20:54:00.000+01:00

Motty is definitely savouring "Zhirkov", and I will give Wrighty rare points for saying what we all thinking. For once, his moronic laddishness seem to add. Maybe in time we will all come round to it, and he will become a national treasure. Or maybe not.

Classic Motty:

"The Soviet - er, Russian supporters are still celebrating, they think it's a goal" Er... 20 years ago?

I am now siding heavily in the pro-Lawro camp, at least as a colour analyst if not a half-time pundit. He talks shit, but with charm - the random, free-spirited Hutch to Motty's Starsky.

Finally - the BBC's "ref's view" is a welcome innovation.

Sky and Hansen

2007-09-02T14:30:00.001+01:00

Two points so far from this weekend's football:

1) Sky have ditched their crazy "let's put the score in the bottom left" experiment. I think I'd rather they'd doggedly stuck with it, to be honest. As Stef once said, "I love their constant, manic innovation"

2) Hansen was back on MotD, still sporting a weird beard, but not as obviously drunk as previously. I still think there's something we're not being told.

The Magic of the Carling Cup

2007-08-29T09:43:00.001+01:00

Watched Rovers v West Ham last night, and realised that the best thing about watching the early rounds of cup competitions is the fact that sweary chants can be heard much more clearly at smaller grounds, e.g. Bristol fans at Ashton Gate giving it the "ooooooOOOOOOOOOHHHHH... YOU'RE SHIT aaaaaaaaaaaaah" every time the West Ham keeper took a goal kick.

In separate news, a mate of my brother's girlfriend was at a BBQ over the weekend and John Motson was there. Apparently he was very animated when talking about football, and utterly bored to tears by any other topic of conversation.

Get in!

2007-08-26T21:29:00.000+01:00

We are now 6th on google for "Andy Townsend" searches. Well done everyone.

Best chant from first half of Man U - Spurs

2007-08-26T16:51:00.000+01:00

... which the Sky Sports director allowed to stay audible for about ten seconds:

(to Tevez)

"You're just a shit Maradona, shit Maradona, shit Mar-a-donnnnna"

Also I kept thinking that Nani reminded me of someone, but I couldn't work it out. It was really bugging me. Then I got it:

It was "Old Gregg".

MOTD and Hansen Update

2007-08-25T23:01:00.000+01:00

No Hansen tonight. That "candle wax" injury must be taking longer to heal than expected. Lawro is showing some form, however. He's made an excellent reference to Statler and Waldorf and is wearing the same shirt he wore on Football Focus this lunchtime; a shirt that looks fucking barbershop.

Postcard from France

2007-08-24T23:57:00.000+01:00

... where I just saw Jarvis strolling down the beach at St Jean de Luz, avec bebe. J'reckon he's Blades or Wednesday? Probably on record somewhere... just touching on some of the points raised recently: free internet screening of games, what are you, a 15-year-old Cantonese schoolboy? Sky isn't that expensive, kids, and by dodging the Murdoch tax you're also missing out on such choice Sky statistical insights as metres travelled by referee (thanks), and of course, the goal replay where they trace the line of the shot, which is useful if, like me, you are frequently distracted mid-replay by, say, a sparrow alighting on your windowsill, and look back to discover the ball in the net and think "how the fuck did that happen?"... actually you're probably on to a winner there... agreed with stef re: necessity of commentary, enjoyed FRA v SLO with soothing French commentary, no doubt as boring and cliche-riddled as English comm. but could pretend it was thick with allusions to Descartes and Proust... surely L'Equipe is the greatest newspaper in the world? Why no English language equivalent?... fat frank for england

And Hansen is pissed

2007-08-22T20:55:00.000+01:00

Unshaven, rambling and slurring his words.

Lawro is wrong

2007-08-22T20:40:00.000+01:00

Bernd Schneider did that on purpose.

I'm a bit disappointed with Lawro's anti-German co-commentary.

Oddly, though, I found Motty's chuckle when the England fans were booing the German national anthem endearing.

"Fing Jonathan Creek, who does he fing think he is?"

2007-08-20T16:13:00.000+01:00

Excellent interview in the Times today with Big Frank Lampard, possibly the most unfairly maligned footballer in the Premier League.

His no-nonsense, criminally underrated game, reminds me of England's greatest midfielder of the 90s, David Platt.

The Dutch

2007-08-19T23:46:00.000+01:00

Further to Marty's guide to watching football for free over the internet, I was watching the Mans City and Utd, and Liverpool vs. Chelsea this afternoon on a Sopcast broadcast of a Dutch sports channel (link from here).

With the exception of a brief period in which the commentary was in English and of a tennis match, the broadcast alternated between having no commentary and having commentary in Dutch. Inspite of the fact that I understood very little of what was being said (I wouldn't say I understood nothing - Dutch is, afterall, just German in a funny voice) the bits with commentary were a lot more enjoyable than those without. Turns out all you really need is the tone of voice acting as a musical score to the action, to get most of the benefits of commentary. I think this revelation - that what's being said is less important than that the tone of voice roughly mirrors the game - goes a long way to explaining the otherwise inexplicable successful careers of a fair few commentators, not to mention "colour men".

How to watch football over the internet for free

2007-08-18T17:46:00.000+01:00

There are a few options for the skinflint office-chair football fan. Here's the two I favour:

1) Go to Channelsurfing.net, click the links and watch the games (sometimes with audio from a completely different channel for reasons I haven't worked out). Given that it shows all sports and Major League Baseball is notoriously litigious, I give this site 3 months maximum.

2) If you have a sense of adventure, you can always download Sopcast and watch ESPN Star Sports, which lends the games a false air of the exotic. You can also watch Soccer AM ripoff "Nokia Football Crazy" which is shit.

Any other methods welcome!

Thing I didn't know last week

2007-08-15T17:47:00.000+01:00

Martin O'Neill is fascinated with serial killers. He queued to watch the trial of the Yorkshire Ripper, Peter Sutcliffe, and was a regular spectator at the Rose West 'House of Horror' trial.

Weirdo.

2007-08-15T11:43:00.000+01:00

Sunderland manager and famed psychopath Roy Keane has put the boot into what he sees as a new generation of under-the-thumb footballers, after several players cut off negotiations with his club over the summer because their Wags vetoed a move to the glorious North East:

"If a player doesn't want to come to Sunderland then all well and good," said the former Manchester United captain and Ireland midfielder. "But if he decides he doesn't want to come because his wife wants to go shopping in London, then it's a sad state of affairs. It's not a football move, it's a lifestyle move. It tells me the player is weak and his wife runs his life."

It’s an entertaining rant that had me nodding along in agreement – until I reached the end and thought, how much would someone have to pay me to live in Sunderland, a city of 180,000 people and no cinema, and get shouted at by Roy Keane all day?

2007-08-14T13:01:00.001+01:00

John Sadler in the Guardian today, with a mildly diverting article about the dumbing down of football punditry.

What is the way forward for improving TV football punditry? My suggestions:

1. Being a former player is not enough.

I think a vaguely successful managerial career should be a minimum requirement, if you are supposed to be explaining tactics and formations. I would also accept ten years of experience as a football journalist - the best football punditry around at the moment is Jimmy Hill's Football Supplement, shown on Sky, which is just four hacks sitting around reading the sports pages and debating football, with Jimmy interrupting randomly like a senile uncle.

2. Tell me something I don't know

There's no point in pundits telling me that the defending has been sluggish, or that the finishing has been poor. I know this, I'm watching the fucking game. Instead, show me something that I can't necessarily see for myself, because my understanding of football is limited. How the tactics have changed across the half/game; how the players are using space; what impact the formations are having on the flow of play - stuff that is obvious to the sophisticated observer, but not to the casual fan. Gordon Strachan used to do this to great effect on MOTD2, and Andy Grey is decent with his chalkboard - but this type of analysis shouldn't be parceled off into discrete packages ("Strachan's View"), it should be the meat and veg of all football punditry. Explain the game, don't just summarise the obvious.

Jumpers for goalposts

2007-08-13T17:41:00.000+01:00

Paul Wilson has a post on the Guardian footie blog lamenting, with an apparently straight face, the decline of the 3pm kickoff, as if Sky Sports had only come into existence this season. I, for one, am all for loads of Sunday football, as it effectively makes MOTD2 the prime highlights show, and I like Chiles much more than Lineker, and am far more likely to be at home at 10pm on a Sunday than 10pm on a Saturday.

Yet more Lawro

2007-08-12T22:39:00.000+01:00

Further to this post, I note Liverpool actually did win 2-1.

Unlucky Al.

Still doesn't change the fact he's an irritating scouse cheat...

2007-08-12T22:28:00.000+01:00

Chris Dillow has an interesting post entitled Martin O'Neill and Objective Reality, which I won't summarise here. Just read it you lazy fuckers.

Two things Match of the Day didn't tell you about this game:

1) Benitez's new beard is excellent, lending his face that much needed "edge" that wins championships.

2) Martin O'Neill is turning into Craig Finn of The Hold Steady.

Why did David Pleat Leave Spurs?

2007-08-10T19:30:00.000+01:00

In my previous post I mentioned Pleat's spell at Spurs in the mid-80s. But why was he forced to leave?

That's right! He was cautioned for kerb-crawling! Three times!

Wonder why Clive didn't bring this up more? And why was this no barrier to the ITV commentary booth, when saying a word off-air you can read on 4,120,000 webpages, not to mention hear in countless songs and films, is beyond the pale?

Let's go!

2007-08-10T09:53:00.001+01:00

A promising venture, particularly as I'm Chelsea and therefore the target of 90% of the cant-stream. My first effort here will simply recycle a post published elsewhere, for a hopefully wider audience.

Things to look out for in 2007/8:

1. A commentator saying something along the lines of "Well he claims to sleep 14 hours a day... Essien was certainly caught napping there"

2. A back-page columnist making the point that, while injuries were a valid excuse for Chelsea to stumble last season, they're somehow not an excuse this season, even though they clearly are.

3. A completely bullshit story suggesting that Beckham is desperately trying to leave the LA Galaxy and is in talks with a Premiership club

4. A columnist arguing, as if it weren't completely obvious, that Eriksson is actually a really good manager after Man City win a few on the trot

5. Any commentator somehow alluding to Kieran Richardson's twat cousin BB Charley

Also hello; also Lawro

2007-08-10T07:28:00.000+01:00

Hello. I will also be contributing to this blog. But I, on the other hand, like Lawro and think he's the best colour man in British sport.

See? There's already creative tension on here.